[FOREWORD] i’m not special, not like some, not as gifted as they come, i’m just doing what i can 'cause it’s all i’ve got. i’m not brave and i’m not wise, and there’s nothing that implies that if this goes on it will be just like i thought. i don’t know what else i can say, i’m just insecure and afraid that the effort of these years will just feel like waste. please just let my wings unfold, i know there’s something to behold. good heavens i hope that heaven is good… good heavens please don’t let it go unheard. is it logical to be scared or did this only prepare me for the fateful day that i stop the chase? i know i’m doing everything but can it ever be enough? and will i still end up just being judged on way too much? please just let my wings unfold, i know there’s something to behold. good heavens i hope that heaven is good… good heavens please don’t let it go unheard. good heavens i hope that heaven is good… good heavens show the meaning in my words. try me when i’m done here if you will ‘cause all i want is my promise fulfilled, that i’ll be giving everything i got whether i am ever heard or not. good heavens i hope that heaven is good… good heavens show yourself to me and my stress. good heavens i hope that heaven is good… good heavens and good grief, i’m in a mess.

[DID I FALL THROUGH A HOLE IN THE CEILING?] i thought i heard a voice, must have been mine’s echo. is it wise to sip on this drink? i can’t be that clear on who made it. the fabric’s soothing me though it’s getting colder. god i hope the sun’s gonna rise, strange how the days are belated. you’re the one i’m missing, hoping that i’d find. come pick me up, together we’ll leave connected. the ways i fall right into cycles. a soreness in my lower back… i wonder when i’m too exhausted. facing the final wall. hold on… where’d i enter? well, i’m sure when i need it i’ll see the line, can’t already have crossed it. you’re the one i’m missing, hoping that i’d find. come pick me up, together we’ll leave connected. now i turn around to quickly fantasize… confusion as i’ve seemed to misplace the exit. did i just wake up in this compartment without doors, just a window and what looks like a long descent down? when did awareness recede? have i been leaving this place? work of myself or another? why do i keep seeing that face? who goes there?

[PART 1 OF 3: “THE WISH TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE”] “don’t think about me, i’ll be fixed here listening intensely. please don’t tell me you can tell i can count on one hand the words i’ve yelled. right now i think i’d like the world to be quiet and match my mind. i kill myself with those thoughts… my bad code or just something odd? ‘cause you’re only doing better when you say you are helpless, needing what almost feels like it is killing you… and you’re only staying better when anxiety rises, needing what almost steals like it’s abusing you. the hope of being normal keeps on itching in your mind. “show me what to say. i’m unresponsive, stumbling through the day. can’t tell why my instincts are wrong, sometimes i just can’t be that strong. show me how to speak a little louder and not be drained and weak. charisma’s in short supply, and it’s hard to go along.” so you’re only getting better when it feels like you’re dying. the hope of being normal keeps on itching in your mind. will the scores ever be settled? will you continue trying? always an option to form the places where you’ll be confined.

[PART 2 OF 3: “HOW IT FEELS TO NEED TO BE ALONE”] the sudden feeling of being unable to reach. aching to be on the inside you keep finding faults in your speech. wishing you could be like everybody else, wishing you could be like everyone expects. and yet desires contradict, you’re like “oh no, get me away from here, let it be quiet again.” tension pulled, balance fleeting. blockage of the trachea, trembling voice. if i don’t get out i feel like i’ll combust from the violent pressure of the noise. this is how it feels to need to be alone. this is how it feels when you’re hurrying to trap yourself inside your home. this is how it feels to need to be alone. this is how it feels when you cannot escape and the mind you fight’s your own. stuck in this exchange where a smile’s gaining gravity, eye contact’s like a light that flickers and my words are becoming unnatural. tension pulled, balance fleeting, need another drink and to rest my voice. if i don’t get out i think it might ugly, like visceral. get me away from here! let it be quiet again! it’s shameful and embarrasing, a stain on my otherwise sound and legitimate dignity totally exposed like all other frauds. i can’t believe that i’m like this, i can’t believe you relate to this so much! what’s wrong with us?!

[02/13:] this vehicle is not stopping, the exit is bolted, and gently we look towards south. this marvellous machine is all that our people need so don’t forget to watch your mouth. [02/14:] show me another way that we all defended. take me to the better life promised, pretended. show me a mirror where there’s more than cracks that used to be me. just give me myself back. [08/14:] and after a few moments turn into a century you almost understand. we’re stacked here like hay in the burning sun still waiting for command. [06/15:] give me myself and my life to me. give me back my lost identity. [03/16:] show me the other way, show me a better way, the mirror looks odd today.

[LAST FIVE MONTHS OF 2023] i’ve destroyed way too much to be risking your embrace. feels like i am stuck at the wrong time somehow in a right place. i’m not ready to give back… but there you are, an accidental burst in the wasteland in my heart from your goddess’ radiance of love and confusion so much it hurts. your eyes are oceans in the sun, i swim there to be purified. a sky of golden keratin… to stare too long is suicide. you’re a vision only seen in dreams, an exploding star would be jealous. if this world is meant to be cruel and dark your kindness, warmth and empathy’s all it takes to drop it out of balance. i let the hellfires into my home, you found me, a spiritless mess, but your hand was offered to mine and my courage returned… and i’m always saved knowing you’ll understand, making me feel like i can’t be afraid. your boundless compassion is all i could need. if you’ll be the sun i’ll be one hundred earths. if you’ll let it rain on us i’ll plant a seed.

[MARCH 13TH, 2020] what happened while i was asleep? an unsettling quiet’s giving me the creeps. stepped outside for fresh air but all i got’s complete despair. you’d think there was no more life, like the world ended while i’d closed my eyes. nobody out here… how did we disappear? have you ever seen such emptiness? wherever you think it’s safe you’ll find powerful urges to abandon faith. have you ever seen such emptiness, where there’s no longer such a thing as promises? germophobia… welcome to nobody’s dystopia. hold out just a little longer. grow steadily cynical. your entire street’s now a hospital and if your city feels like it’s a cemetery it’s only ‘cause soon it’s gonna be. have you ever seen such emptiness? i thought i would not be scared, but for a trial like this we’d never be prepared. have you ever seen such emptiness, where all that is familiar becomes less and less? have you ever seen such emptiness? what is familiar’s less and less.

[STIMULATE] one last sip, the time you have is up. you’re drowning slowly in your bathtub. connecting like friends with a stimulant, your ocean of desired numbness is imminent. test your consumption’s boundaries until you can’t see the forest for burning trees. one question: when have you gone too far? when you give yourself (or is it somebody else) a scar? tell me, what’s your drug of choice? does it give the animal voice? will it take its toll on your body and soul? [WHAT’S YOUR DRUG OF CHOICE, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHO IS DOING THE CHOOSING?] driven to spend or waste all you got away, for an empty promise of something like better days. obsessed with finding the elusive needle in the proverbial hay… tell me, what’s your drug of choice? does it give the animal voice? will pleasure take its toll on your body and soul? do you feel the rot begin, the foundation caving in? were you ever in control of your body and soul? [IF THE CHOICE WAS YOURS, WOULD YOU HAVE CHOSEN LIKE THIS?] the only objects holding your gaze don’t exist… fake faces, fake places plus all you missed. a 3-by-6 inch black hole that draws to mislead. your comforts are lies ‘cause all they do is feed. trust me, that’s girl’s gonna eat you like a salad. trust me, that’s girl’s gonna turn you into breadcrumbs. trust me, that’s girl’s gonna eat you like a salad. trust me, that’s girl’s breakin’ & enterin’ your lungs. tell me, what’s the pain you choose? are you shocked when it breaks loose, when it takes a toll on your body and soul? do you feel the rot begin, the foundation caving in? will you crawl out of that hole and regain, or win, control?

[KEEP CLIMBING. KEEP CORRECTING.] denial’s just like the worst of all our mistakes. one ocean left to swim through for my own sake. denial’s never the worst of all our mistakes. one mountain left to climb for all of our sakes. something is wrong and when you see it your gut will tell you to ignore the judgement that will come in store. choke on your pride, let it take a hit ‘cause you don’t know you’re sick until the one you love is the one you just killed. there’s no rebirth down here. only option that you got is surgical-like therapy, and yes, the pain is meant to be severe. there’s no forgiveness down here. only one way this can work so deconstruct and tear apart until the pain’s way past severe. all i got was seven words: “this won’t last but it will hurt,” ‘cause we don’t know that something’s off until we’ve damaged what we love. denial’s just like the worst of all our mistakes. one ocean left to swim through for my own sake. denial’s never the worst of all our mistakes. my night is long so lead me to my daybreak.

[RANDOM BURSTS OF AGGRESSIVE HATE.] when the glass breaks, when she’s crying, there’s a hand on your shoulder… don’t look back. no one’s safe here, you stepped out of line. something buried is waking to attack. [WORDS AND ACTIONS YOU WISH YOU COULD TAKE BACK.] it’s catching up to you, coming to sink its teeth in. if you’re not freaking out better start paying attention. [IRRATIONAL LEVELS OF ANGER AND DESPAIR.] for years you ignored what you felt when it happened and now comes the day where you pay for your coldness. what you’ve been suppressing’s evolved while it’s grown there and stolen your face and your voice, left you cleaning up its fucking mess. [GRIEF FOR THE PAST YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD AND THE PERSON YOU NEVER WERE.] innocence betrayed, juveline ignorance deceived you. admit you’re not ok or waste your remaining time like liars do. [PUNISHMENT.] it’s catching up to you… your heart will be the first to fail because it’s not a touch, but something that you inhaled. /tnhtape1